Sin is
not pretty. It isn’t glamorous or fun. Sin destroys everything around it. For
followers of Jesus, sin has got to go. But shoveling all the gunk out of your
heart is extremely difficult. Confronting and dealing with sin has been a major
theme lately. God has been getting rid of a lot of old me. It has been painful,
embarrassing, and frustrating. Being on missions involves a lot of on-the-job
training in the heart department.
When I
got to Huntsville, I thought I was a pretty alright Christian. After all, I had
given up my summer and passed all the interviews, right? I had been over tons
of tests about the things I am good at and the areas God has gifted me in. I
was totally unprepared for what I would find about my weaknesses. I didn’t know
I was lazy or selfish or impatient. I wouldn’t have described myself as
self-centered or proud. But the ugly truth is that I am all of these things,
and they began to interfere with ministry.
I
became frustrated with my partner and other team members who were different
from me. I wasn’t taking the time to understand where they were coming from and
I was determined to be superior to them. In many ways, my partner’s character
drew attention to things that mine was lacking. Rather than look stupid, I got
angry. I wouldn’t hear what she thought because I couldn’t take responsibility
for my failures. But my heart has been doing this for a long time, so I was
pretty skilled at it. I wrote people off as confusing and I blamed our
communication issues on them. I know that the enemy was attacking our team to
cause division. In my pride, I caused problems that came close to destroying
it. And I didn’t even know I was doing it.
But
then God began to move. Even though my heart was in the wrong place, he heard
my prayers for help. I wanted him to come in and vindicate me, but what he did
was much better. He brought restoration. He began to open my eyes to how
selfish I had been. Relational problems that I blamed on Myriam were my
problem, not hers. Broken, I felt sure that she would hold it against me. It
was what I deserved. But God showed up again. Myriam was obedient and full of
grace. She forgave me in a way I’ve never seen acted out before. The God kind
of forgiveness. I couldn’t believe the closeness that was possible once that
happened.
Unfortunately,
there was more that God needed to show me about myself. All those times I asked
him to search my heart and change it, I didn’t think it was going to feel like
pulling teeth. But again, my character needed renovation. Things seemed to work
with Myriam and me for a while and then fall apart again. I was reading Jeremiah
and waiting for God to get started on those plans to prosper me and not to harm
me. Rescue me, boo Babylon! But one evening, I saw my attitude get out of
control and hurt Myriam’s feelings. I saw what I had done and felt genuinely
sorry and asked her to forgive me. She did and I naturally proceeded to do the
same thing ten minutes later. I suddenly
realized how prone I am to sin. It became devastatingly clear to me that God is
holy and I am sinful. Dirty, nasty, ugly sin is my default. Those chapters
about Israel’s unfaithfulness were about me.
I came to Myriam again for forgiveness. I tried to explain to her how I felt.
Why would God even choose me to serve him? I’m so incapable, so unworthy. No
matter how much I try and accomplish, sin will always be my default setting.
I am so
glad to have Myriam as a partner. We talked and we prayed. Overwhelmed, I laid
on the floor. At that moment, I felt like the only place I deserved to be near
God or the people I had mistreated was on my face. I felt like Isaiah, who said
“Woe to me, I am ruined!” when he stood before God.
And
then! God kept showing up!!! The following morning, we went to church. The
sermon was on Hebrews 3:12-13. “See to it brothers that none of you has a
sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage
one another daily as long as it is called Today so that none of you may be
hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” We talked about the proper response to sin:
conviction> confession> repentance> restoration. But the thing that I
was most surprised by was the idea that my heart is not a personal matter, but
a community one. As a follower of Christ, I am committed to a body of other
people. It is to be my joy to say, “I take responsibility for your heart and I
give you access to mine.” That means my sin hurts my brothers and sisters. It
also means that it’s their business to help me out. I had been brought to the
floor by seeing my sin. But that wasn’t a stopping point. Once I was humbled enough,
it was time to bring my sin issue to other believers. I needed to confess and
repent and get help moving on. James says, “Confess your sins, one to another,
so that you may be healed.” I never knew that I could do more than share my
success with other believers. I never knew that in the Church I could find love
and support when I share my failure.
The
last bit of my notes that morning make the whole thing make sense. When “church
people” hide their sin from each other, we turn into hypocrites. We walk
outside the church doors and the world can see through us. They see that we are
fake because we have practiced being fake with each other. All these heart
changes God has been making on me have been necessary to doing effective
missions. I learned that I have sin. I learned that my sin is a cancer that I
need help removing; I never want to allow it to spread to the rest of the body.
I learned that sharing good and bad with each other is not only possible, but
beautiful. I learned a new way to love. When I recognize that I’m less and
others are more, I am willing to serve in ways that are over and above general
niceness. So many lessons, so many weeks, so many challenges to live up to.
They all lead to one thing. The last line of my notes for Sunday looks like
this:
Authenticity in here -----> Authenticity
out there
Thank you for sharing! God is good!
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