Long Time No See

How very behind I am! I need to get back up to date so I can start posting GoNow updates. For the moment, here is a piece of my application for summer missions. We were asked for 2 experiences that give good insight about us. This is really close to my heart. I am becoming more and more aware of how many people experience depression. What was once a painful topic has become a wonderful ministry tool. Here is a bit about that:

About one year ago I came to a place where I needed to admit that I was struggling with depression and I needed help. Since starting college, depression and anxiety had been slowly creeping up on me. They began to show up more and more, straining my health, focus, and relationships. Prior to this time I felt that depression was a sign of a deficient faith. If you know Christ, then his joy ought to fill your life. Anxiety implied to me a lack of trust in God. When I began to feel these things in my own heart and mind I became very troubled. Had I failed God? Was I doing something wrong? Fortunately, my family was very supportive. They encouraged me to see my doctor. I began taking an anti-depressant and saw almost immediate results. I felt more like myself than I had in months. It seemed that I had a chemical imbalance that could be adjusted. However, after several good months, I began noticing bad signs again. I became nervous, overly sensitive, and spent most of my time asleep. I thought the problem had been fixed. I was hesitant to admit that it was back. I thought God had used my medicine to heal me and now things were going bad again.

The same inadequacy I had felt before plagued me. I returned to my doctor and increased my dosage. The experience sounds like a dark time for me, and at points it was. However the consistent factor in all of this was God. He never left my side when I asked difficult questions. His word confirmed to me that his work on the cross was sufficient for me. He would never change his mind about me based on failure or success. When my depression robbed me of enthusiasm, he assured me that he had created me for a purpose and that my life was going somewhere worthwhile. I began to understand that this was a trial in my Christian life, not an indication of some failure, and that God was able to see me through. I gained empathy for others experiencing depression and a desire to minister to them. Today, I still take my medication and have begun seeing a Christian counselor. My depression and anxiety are manageable. Still, there are times when I rely heavily on God’s help and comfort. Because of my constant need for him, my prayer life has exploded. I understand the faith of the men in the fiery furnace. My God will deliver me, but even if he does not I will praise him. If God takes away this struggle from me, I will rejoice in his healing. If he does not, I will rejoice in his love in the midst of it.